I thought I was going to die.

Let’s start this with the unequivocal fact that I did not die that night. This is not one of those existential films where the narrator leads you through their life, lulling you into a false sense of security, only to reveal they are actually narrating from beyond the grave…Spoiler alert. No, I didn’t die, but I honestly thought I would.

I was on holiday with my husband, Will, visiting the Highlands back in 2016. It was coming up to our anniversary and I had never been to Scotland and was desperate to go; That day we had been out hiking and we were exhausted so we decided to head straight back to our cabin, pop in the shower, and snuggle up in bed to watch the Chase (a little tradition we have when we go to Scotland, I have no idea why!?)

That is when it happened.
It was all a bit of a blur…no, blur isn’t quite the best word for it… it was more like that static you get on old aerial televisions; but from what I can remember through all the noise is how faint I felt, followed by how cold I was.

My body temperature had plummeted. I was wrapped up in two pairs of joggers, a jumper, my husband’s hoodie, and two pairs of hiking socks, and I was shaking uncontrollably.
My husband made me lay under the covers and he rubbed my hands to try and warm me up. He seemed calm, annoyingly so, whilst all I kept thinking was I’m going to die here miles away from my children.
That’s when the tears started flowing, I couldn’t bare the thought of never seeing my kids again. My heart was racing, my chest was tight, and I felt like I was going to pass out.

It lasted for about 5 minutes, but it felt like a lifetime, then, as quickly as it had started, the heavy cloud had lifted and all those emotions disappeared.

My mind was drained, my body was drained, and I slept pretty damn well after that.

I had always put it down to anaemia and a nervous disposition (which makes me sound like a Jane Austen character) but two years later I had a realisation.

I said to my husband that I think I had experienced a panic attack, and Will, being the laid back guy that he is, simply said, ‘Yeah, didn’t you know that?’
I didn’t, I honestly hadn’t the foggiest idea that it was a panic attack. I don’t know whether it is because I had never seen anyone have one before, or because nobody had ever explained the physical symptoms of a panic attack to me, but It took me years to realise that is what it was.

I wish I could tell you how to deal with these attacks or how to prevent them, but the truth is I have no idea. I’m not even sure you can, because a lot of he time they come out of the blue, and when you are in the depth of it it can be hard to see past that static. But I would love to know if anyone has found any ways they deal with it.